(in 35 simple steps)
1. Tell her “it’s time for bed!”
2. Send her up to brush teeth and get in PJs.
3. Explain that if she doesn’t brush well enough, the cavity creep she learned about in school will invade her mouth.
4. Console her.
5. Apologize for reminding her about cavity creep before bedtime & assure her it isn’t real.
6. Send her up to brush/ get in PJs for real.
7. Send her back up because there is no way she brushed her teeth and got in PJs in 37 seconds.
8. Read 6 stories to her.
9. Answer 932 questions about each story.
10. Make mental note to get rid of all books with more than 10 pages/ complicated plots.
11. Give her 3 hugs and a kiss on each cheek, then one more hug.
12. Hug all four of her stuffed animals. Wait, not the giraffe, he’s in time out.
13. Turn on the fans because it’s hot.
14. Turn off one fan because it’s cold.
15. Turn off other fan because she needs both on but they need to be turned on in a different order.
16. Help her get her blankets.
17. No, not the white one, c’mon, seriously?
18. Oh hang on, the white one is softer than the purple one. Switch them.
19. Turn off light and say goodnight.
20. Remember that you promised she could stay up an extra 20 minutes because she ate three helpings of salad and skipped dessert.
21. Hope that she doesn’t remember.
22. Yeah, of course she does.
23. Send her into the playroom with her favorite stuffed animal and blanket so she can pretend it’s a baby.
24. Beg her to stay quiet because the baby is sleeping.
25. Go downstairs to finish dishes.
26. Begin watching a movie.
27. Realize that it’s been 2 hours.
28. Find 5-year-old asleep on playroom floor, wrapped in her blanket and snuggling her penguin.
29. Call husband to carry her to bed.
30. Husband attempts to have her walk since she has the ability to weigh 9,043 pounds while sleeping.
31. Hear husband whisper-yell for you to bring up a camera.
32. Discover that, when woken up, a confused child who falls asleep on the floor in the wrong room will attempt to climb into her “bed” aka the trunk full of play clothes.
33. Laugh and take a photo.
34. Force husband to actually carry the exhausted 5-year-old to bed.
35. Blog about it and post a fabulous photo.