Dear Girl Scouts of America and all the people who are part of the organization:
Years ago, I was a girl scout. I had several sashes and tons of iron-on patches to prove that I was woman-enough to be a girl scout. I was well-versed in selling hundreds of boxes of cookies during the drives and I could attach glitter to popsicle sticks using glue with the best of them.
When I was selling cookies, they cost $2.50 a box, which my mom thought was ridiculous, but never-the-less, she bought several boxes anyway- I mean who can resist Thin Mints and Samoas? Especially when sold by an adorable girl with a brown sash and pigtails (which were only put in when selling cookies, to add to the “buy cookies from me or kittens will be sad” effect).
I walked door-to-door to sell cookies. I called neighbors, friends and relatives, imploring them to buy just a few boxes. I emptied boxes full of Do-si-dos and Tagalongs almost as quickly as I got them.
My how things have changed.
I walked into Wal-mart the other day and was accosted by a girl scout and her mother. This is an issue for a couple reasons. First, why is her MOTHER trying to get me to buy cookies? Isn’t that the scout’s job?
Second, why do you feel the need to stand between a mother juggling a child on each hip and the door that houses the shopping carts so said-mother can get a break? Do you not notice that I am also on the phone and trying to get my keys into my purse at the same time? Maybe you didn’t see me glancing in the other direction so that I didn’t make eye contact with the kids at the cookie table.
Now that the girl scout and her mother have one iota of my attention, they ask “would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?” I politely decline and the mother, who apparently can’t deal with rejection, persists with “they’re only $3.50 a box and you can get six boxes for $20!” I stop in my tracks.
“$3.50?!” I ask. “Or six boxes for $20.”
“Yes!” The girl scout is eager, hoping to score a big sale. “We have Thin Mints, Samoas, Do-si-dos, Trefoils, Dulce de Leche, Tagalongs, Chalet Cremes and Thank U Berry Much.”
The mother is eyeing my stomach at this point, sizing me up. She can tell that I haven’t lost the weight from my kids, so I would probably be a perfect candidate for cookies that will obviously help me maintain my girlish figure.
I decline again and try to side-step the mother. She can’t take a hint. GSA, do you train mothers to do this? If so, you should seriously reconsider.
“Ma’am, this really is the best deal you’ll get for girl scout cookies! Why don’t you just buy a couple boxes- one for yourself and one for a friend?”
At this point, my toddler is pinching my arm and yelling “MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMYYYYYYYYYY” in my ear and my infant is trying to insert her damp fingers into my mouth to see what I’ll do. I’m getting fed up.
“Look, lady, I don’t mean to be rude, but if you can’t tell, I’m having a little trouble with my daughters and I really need to get my shopping done so I can get them home for naps.”
Apparently, in crazy-cookie-selling-girl-scout-mommy world, that sentence sounds like this: “Please, ask me again if I would like to buy expensive cookies that will no doubt aid me in my journey back to weighing 130 pounds”, because she said “They’re only $20 for six boxes.”
If I hadn’t been holding the girls, I may have shoved a box of cookies down her elegant throat. Instead, I said “I gave up both cookies and anger management classes for Lent, so you need to back off.” She was startled and stepped back long enough for me to slip into the store.
So what have we learned from this, GSA? Perhaps you should have a workshop for both your scouts and their mothers as to the proper selling procedures. Maybe it would be better if you didn’t allow them to block Wal-Mart’s door. Oh and we’ve learned that the next time one of your scout-leader-moms tries to convince me that it’s a good idea to buy six boxes of cookies, I will pop her in the nose.
By the way, GSA, for the same price as one of your boxes of cookies, I was able to buy three packages of cheap-o chocolate chip cookies at the dollar store. And I got more of them in one package than I would have gotten in six of yours.
If you feel so inclined, you can mail several boxes of Samoas to my address to make amends for the anguish you caused me.