To those who make those deliciously addictive electronic Apple devices:
I will start by telling you that I am the owner of an iPhone. I love it. I think it is a fantastic phone. I am obsessed with have been enjoying the Where’s Waldo application in particular- that sonofagun gets trickier each time he travels to a new world!
Regardless of that, I have a grievance. My husband is cheating on me. With you.
Okay, not with YOU, per say, but actually with your products. It all started with a MacBook, last year. He saw it in the store and his eyes glazed over. His mouth actually began to salivate like one of those pit bulls when you hang a big juicy steak in front of them. He let go of my hand and I swear, he floated to the MacBook.
Have you ever seen a man float, fruit company? I didn’t think so. But it certainly wasn’t because of me.
After the MacBook made us a family of four, Terry’s attention slowly came back to me and to Ariana. I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to go through the messiness that divorce and splitting up our assets (aka the Nintendo 64, PS2 and original Nintendo, plus our 800+ DVD collection) entailed. We began spending more time together and he only spent time with the MacBook after I went to bed. I was thrilled.
Living in Super Small Town, Alaska, we weren’t privy to many of the new technologies. When the iPhone came out, I barely knew what it was, besides what little filtered in my ears while I played Mario Party and Terry attempted to talk over the beeps and bings of me bringing Donkey Kong down to size.
I somehow was convinced by my handsome husband (I believe it happened as I was attempting to birth one of his children) that having an iPhone was imperative to my extremely lame busy life.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago, when our tax return arrived. My husband bribed me with a variety of things (Swedish massages, Cold Stone ice cream, going to the bathroom alone more than once a week, pedicures) and we made the switch to the fancy little touch screen phones.
With this, our transformation into Mac/Apple users (minus my Dell laptop, which I will. Not. Part with.) was complete.
Or so I thought.
At the beginning of April, a Kindle-like device was set to be launched. After I made 234,836,257,290 jokes about it being an “iTampon”, my husband surprised me with an offer to go visit the Indy zoo, his treat! I was floored by his generosity, especially since we had just had a long discussion that it was imperative for us to have more family time.
As we drove up there, Terry mentioned that he wanted to stop somewhere and that he had put the address into the GPS. Imagine my surprise when I pulled into a mall parking lot. Odd, but knowing that this mall had a Burberry store, I figured Terry had saved his pennies to buy me the $695 tote I had mentioned once in passing months before.
Imagine my chagrin when I saw a roped off line leading into the mall entry door. Imagine the grimace on my face as my husband said “I’ll be back soon” and entered said-line, leaving me in a car with a cranky toddler and a whiny baby. Oh and did I mention it was raining? Not just any rain, but chubby rain.
I have to confess, I considered running screaming into the mall with the two adorable but moody children, dumping them into Terry’s arms and then fleeing the mall, shouting “I’m free! I’m FREE!”, but I couldn’t do that to my sweet baby girls, so we persevered and sat in the car, singing along to Veggie Tales until Terry re-appeared.
Then I saw it.
The white bag with a shining apple on the front.
I knew what was in there. The ulterior motive for the generous trip to the zoo. I did the only thing that made sense.
I locked the car doors and pretended I was deaf so that I couldn’t hear the pounding of a soaking wet man, pleading with me to please, just this once, open the doors.
I let him in and haven’t spoken to him since.
Okay, I did ask him to get me some water last night. But that was it.
Now, executives, I imagine that my droning is boring you, but I do have a point.
My husband, since receiving the iPhone and iPad, has not left either gadget alone. Literally, he brings them to bed with us. I swear, he says good morning to them before he even acknowledges his sad, dejected wife. That may be an exaggeration. But only slightly.
He does use the iPad while he sits with the girls for breakfast in the morning while I shower. He has quickly realized that I am not as excited about the purchase as he is, so the iPad tends to disappear as soon as I start to open the bathroom door and head to the bedroom.
So, my point here is that, although your technology now has no rival, and although I know that my husband will never find time for a mistress (as he can’t tear his eyes away long enough to notice another woman), I think you need to consider breaking off your relationship with my husband.
I like him enough that I would enjoy spending more than 42 seconds a day with his every bit of his attention. Is that so much to ask?
I am used to having to repeat commands/ demands questions/ requests because of his selective hearing (not an actual diagnosed kind of problem, more of a you’re-my-wife-but-I-wish-you-came-with-a-mute/off-button kind of thing), but your addictive “personality” is making my voice fade.
Please release your hold of my husband. I will be eternally grateful.
Always jealous of you,