You can all stop sending in other nominations now.
I am definitely going to win not only mother of the year but also decade and century!
The MOTY committee will probably send me this sort of letter sometime soon (my comments are in italicized parentheses):
Congratulations on your nomination for Mother of the Year! We take pride in our careful decision-making process.
There are several key factors to consider when choosing a winner of such a prestigious title:
1. Mother must be able to recite verbatim the words to at least three episodes of one of the following shows: Word World, Veggie Tales, Sesame Street, Caillou, Dragon Tales, Zoboomafoo, Mr. Rogers, Barney & Friends. (I’ll do you one better, I can sing most of the songs too)
2. Mother must be able to cook at least five unique and healthy meals for each regular mealtime and snacktime. Must also provide samples. (Um, okay, I don’t even think I could come up with that many for Terry and me)
3. Mother will take pictures of child(ren) to mark all major events (birth, annual birthdays, first steps, first day of school, etc.). Must submit photographs as proof. (Hell, I take pictures when they sit on the potty! I’m good on this one)
4. Mother must not allow youngest child to play in play yard unsupervised with hard toys. Mother must also not allow said-child to run to her mother and trip over one hard toy and fall on another, leaving a bruise on child’s nose. (I swear, I left for 20 seconds, definitely didn’t think she’d be THAT excited when I came back in)
5. Children of recipient must not be able to scream “boobies”, then proceed to show them in the middle of the grocery store to anyone in a 50 foot radius. (Um…)
6. Children of recipient must also not use any of the seven words not allowed on television. Said words must also not be said in an appropriate circumstance. (… crap.)
7. Lastly, mother must not allow children to eat an entire box of graham crackers within an hour in one afternoon. (Aren’t they a healthy snack?)